All of us know what it’s like for our parents to take care of us.  They raised us, got us to school on time, helped us plan for our future and made sure we had food on the table.  They loved us, supported us and made sure we were prepared for what the world would bring when we were adults.  At a certain point in many of our lives, we will experience the tables being turned.  As our parents age, they often get to the point where they are not able to take care of themselves as they once did and, as their children, we want to do what is best to help them live as happily and healthily as possible.  Sometimes this involves helping them stay in their homes and sometimes it involves helping them make the difficult decision to move into a retirement community.  To help our loved ones make the best decisions, it’s important to become as educated as possible about the options available and to keep in mind that this decisions should be what is best for them.

Staying in the Home

According to Right at Home, statistics say that a senior will live longer if they are at peace with their surroundings.  Many times, their home is the most peaceful place for them, but in some cases, the home is no longer a convenient or safe place for them to stay.

“An AARP survey found almost 90% of seniors say they want to ‘Age in Place’,” says Kimberly Griffith with Home Instead Senior Care .  “A senior’s home holds a strong sense of security.  Their desire to stay in a comfortable, familiar setting in their community close to family and where memories were made is an understandable emotion.  They feel they are in control of their independence, which relates to feelings of dignity and quality of life.  Often times, when a senior is moved from their home, their health starts to fail quickly.”

“You will find that most seniors will face leaving their homes due to medical reasons,” Kimberly Griffith continues.  “Another reason is safety.  If their environment has physical hazards or limitations, it may benefit them to move to provide a safer place for them to live.”

Working with an in-home care company is a great way to help your loved one stay in their home in a safe and healthy manner.  “We at Right at Home work with certified contractors to widen doorways, put in new flooring and new sinks and zero entry showers and baths,” says Scott Neal.  “We also always try to have the children involved in the assessment process to help ease the children’s minds about how Right at Home will help with their loved one’s care.  We can not only help in a home setting, but also if they are moving their parents to a retirement community or if they are dealing with a hospital stay situation.  We work with the children and their schedule so they know their parents are always being taken care of.”

“The family has an option for a non-medical company who will provide the senior with one-on-one care to meet needs such as light housekeeping, laundry, meal preparation, bathing, grooming, incidental transportation and companionship,” adds Kimberly Griffith.  “This service is available for a few hours a week to 24 hour care and will help a senior to remain as independent as possible.”

If you have senior loved ones who live at home, make sure you are keeping in contact with them to make sure they are healthy and safe.  “Start early with open communications with your parents on subjects such as driving, money, medical treatment and independence,” suggests Kimberly Griffith.  “Recognize signs of aging such as fatigue, loss of interest, emotional or mental changes, unsteady mobility, loss of appetite, and lack of care for daily hygiene.  These are signs they may need some additional assistance in the home.  We offer a free booklet called the 40/70 Rule that will guide you on how to start these sometimes uncomfortable conversations with your parent.”

Moving to a Retirement Community

“We find that many people begin considering moving from their homes and into a retirement community as they plan for the future,” comments Greg Joyce from Legacy Retirement Communities.  “We are seeing more and more people making proactive moves which further enables them to enjoy all of the services and amenities our communities have to offer.  There are many different reasons people begin considering a move.  For some, it may be for social opportunities, activities and life enrichment.  For others, it may be meals or transportation and for some it may simply be that they are tired of keeping up their home and wish to simplify.”

“We are seeing more and more aging seniors migrating to the communities where their adult children or grandchildren reside,” says Amy Fish with Gateway Senior Living.  “Often, this allows for their children to be actively involved in helping to select the best living arrangements for their parent(s).  Although it is ultimately the decision of the parent, children will generally help weigh the positives and negatives of different housing options, assist with the actual move and help with the transfer of any important information and, most importantly, help with the overall adjustment to a new living environment.”

“Adult children and family play a huge role in making these decisions,” agrees Greg Joyce.  “Whether it be helping gather information, researching communities, accompanying on tours or simply offering their opinions and advice, having a trusted source to act as a sounding board can be very valuable for seniors considering a move.”

“When meeting a family for the first time, I explain all the options in the field of senior living,” says Joy Larson with The Windcrest on Van Dorn.  “Some haven’t any idea what they are looking for.  I ask first what their loved ones’ needs are, especially for personal, hands-on care.  I explain what services and lifestyle we offer and also, financially, what they can afford.”

Changes in the needs of seniors are something that all retirement communities are taking under consideration.   “The baby boom generation has a whole new set of expectations and standards that the senior living industry must rise up and meet,” explains Amy. “Some have likened the population boom of persons age 65 and over to a tsunami that will surge from 35 million to 80 million by 2030.  These new residents will expect amenities such as workout facilities, opportunities for life-long learning, convenience centers, and most importantly choice in everything.”

Knowing what is important to each senior is of vital importance to the retirement community staff.   “Our sales staff does an incredible job of listening,” says Greg Joyce from Legacy Retirement Communities.  “We are not in the business of selling, we are in the business of customer service and offering solutions.  We “save and enhance lives”.  Each person is unique, with a unique set of needs and wants.  Our staff listens attentively to those needs and wants and makes them top priority.  We are here to enhance the lives of our residents, and make each day of their lives better than the day before.  We truly believe in that, and we live it.  Customer service is our highest priority and we treat residents and prospective residents just like family. “

Angela Johnston with Milder Manor comments, “During tours of our facility and when speaking with the children of our residents, we are consistently asking questions about the senior and their situation.  Many times these question and answer sessions lead to greater understanding of the individual scenarios that you are dealing with.  Often times, we can educate and provide other service options, care needs or locations that they may not have been aware of.”

“Start early and educate yourself,” adds Angela Johnston on the subject of choosing the best community.  “Speak with your parents about what they would prefer and how to help them achieve these goals.  While not everyone will be able to stay at home or live with their children, some elders remember what nursing homes used to be like and still associate it with the present long term care facilities.  Let them tour different facilities and ask questions of the staff and residents.”

“Be mindful of the needs for your loved one and find a community that will provide for those needs plus a community that will sustain a lifestyle that will provide them comfort, dignity and the respect they deserve,” says Joy Larson with The Windcrest on Van Dorn.  “Find a community that provides the levels of care necessary for your parent.  Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you are doing this for them, because you love them.  Most of all, do not stall.  If an emergency does occur, you might not have the time or privilege to select the best fit for your loved one.”

If your loved one is on a small budget or needs additional services, there are options out there.  Linda Hecht with Lincoln Housing Authority, who is the Resident Services Specialist at Mahoney Manor says, “We are independent living and through our Congregate Housing Services Program are able to offer limited personal care and limited homemaking services for our residents and a six day a week meal plan.  Our residents also have access to an Aging Partners case manager through C.H.S.P. who can help them access other services they might need.”

For Those with Memory Issues

If your loved one has memory issues such as Alzheimer’s or dementia, special considerations need to be made.  The new CountryHouse Residence on South 84th Street near Pine Lake Road is a licensed assisted living community that also offers an  Adult Day Care program designed to provide a secure and comforting environment for those with Alzheimer’s and other memory loss conditions. According to director Laura Thelen, “It’s a great option for someone who is caring for a loved one at home but needs time away to work, travel or just take a break. We can even pick participants up in the morning and take them home again at the end of the day.”

Day Care participants receive all the services provided to CountryHouse Residence residents,  such as an on-site nurse, personal care, medication administration, daily activities and delicious meals,  in surroundings that look like home. Licensed, specially trained caregivers are hand-picked for their ability to provide dementia care. “With our bus trips, Memories in the Making art therapy, games, pet visits and sing-alongs, plus simple cooking and other familiar household activities, family members have peace of mind knowing their loved one is not only safe but is engaged and socializing,” Laura adds.

“Over five million people in the U.S. have Alzheimer’s and it has become a worldwide epidemic with no cure in sight,” says Gayleen Bradley, Certified Dementia Practitioner with Home Instead Senior Care.    “Home Instead has identified this as a huge need and we’ve partnered with a large panel of experts, including David Troxel (author of Best Friends Approach) and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill to develop content for a worldwide Caregiver training program which focuses on Alzheimer disease or other dementias,” says Gayleen Bradley.  “Our trained Caregivers have a passion and desire to work with these clients, and they are changing the way people live with Alzheimer’s or other dementias.”

Making the Decision

Making the ultimate decision of where your loved one should live is a very important decision.  Care Consultants for the Aging is one resource that can be very helpful in assisting with your decision.  “Because we produce the ElderCare Resource Handbook, we are able to give a complete listing of services for families to make an informed decision,” says Robbie Nathan.  “If they decide to remain in their home, our home care registry will screen and schedule qualified caregivers to fit their needs.”

“Choosing care options for seniors is often frustrating and can be overwhelming, but Bridge to Better Living is prepared to help people, at no cost to them, through this difficult transition,” says MaryAnn Stallings.  “We provide an array of services that will individualize and guide one through this process including finding the right place that meets one’s physical, social, financial, and medical needs.  We provide comparisons of communities, their features, location and amenities plus schedule appointments, provide transportation, and help ask questions.  Our goal is to assist you before, during, and after you have made your choice.”

If a move is in order, make sure you help your loved one as much as possible.  Help them pack up their belongings and sort out which items they most want to keep.  This will likely be an emotional experience, so be patient with them and offer to rent them a storage unit to keep items that won’t fit in their new place.  For those items that you both decide can go, consider donating them.  For example, Cause for Paws takes donations, sells them and donates profits to local animal charities.  Your loved one can take comfort in knowing their items are helping out a good cause.  You should also consider working with a moving company to minimize the stress and work that a major move can entail.

Hospice Services

In some cases, a senior reaches a state of health where the only thing left to be done is to try to make them as comfortable as possible in their final days.  In this case, working with a hospice provider is a good idea.  According to Sarah Baltensperger with Pathways to Compassion Hospice, “Hospice services enable patients to remain in the comfort and privacy of their own homes, with their loved ones. We provide the special care and services that make that choice possible. Our hospice team includes a team of professionals and volunteers, under the direction of the patient’s physician and the hospice medical director. The team follows a personalized plan of physical, emotional and spiritual care, which is continuously reviewed and modified to meet the patient’s needs.  Hospice does not try to add days to life, but add life to days.”

“The children have a crucial role in determining that hospice is the right decision, as well as which hospice to select,” continue Sarah Baltensperger. “Hospice provides numerous benefits to not only the patient, but to the family as well. Some of the relief a hospice agency can provide to the family is through: assistance with day-to-day tasks, emotional support, connecting them with community resources, spiritual care, etc.”

Other Issues

Helping your senior loved ones often involves much more than just helping them choose living arrangements.  Here are some other issues that you might encounter and some advice from the professionals on how to handle them.

Hearing Issues

Helping an aging parent is sometimes about encouraging them to get help on health issues that may be affecting their lives in a negative manner.  Hearing loss is one of these issues.

“When hearing loss is present, we often see parents withdraw from conversation, nod and agree at inappropriate times, or seem to be saddened and depressed.  Miscommunication often begins over the telephone or you might notice television volume is louder than it used to be,” says Dr. Sandra Miller with Complete Hearing Solutions.  “Remember the ultimate goal is to ensure our loved ones know we want the best quality of life for them.  If they understand how important it is to you that they hear conversation with their children and grandchildren, it may help with their hesitancy.  It is important to be supportive and take part in the rehabilitation process.  The degree of success a patient has is often noticed and expressed by those who communicate with them most often.  All of our patients want to be connected with those they love and hearing well is a vital part of that relationship.”

“A very small number of our aging parents have hearing loss that is solely due to wax or something that can be remedied with medication or surgery.  Most hearing loss is permanent as we age and requires a hearing device to bring back the audibility of sound.  Hearing devices are not a magical cure that will restore hearing to normal.  You have to remember we hear and understand with our brain, not our ears.  We can provide good quality sound through amplification and help the brain sort through the sounds that are missing.”

Pre-planning a Memorial Service

It’s never too early to help your loved one pre-plan their memorial service.  Not only does it give your entire family peace of mind, but it also ensures that your parent will have the type of service they want and that provides comfort for those who attend.

Bryan Block of Butherus Maser & Love tells a couple of stories that illustrate the importance of pre-planning.  “In a widely publicized example of a bad funeral, actor Tony Danza approached a long-winded priest during the funeral service of a close friend and said, ‘Excuse me, but this is not about you.  It’s supposed to be about my friend, and if you can’t do that, maybe you should let someone else speak.’  We all know the funeral service is more for the survivors than the deceased.  It is a time to gather and reflect on a life well-lived, to share stories of how that person has impacted our life, and lend support to the family through you presence and shared memories.”

“I have been at a Lincoln South Rotary luncheon and had someone at my table ask me if I knew whatever happened to an individual.  They had worked together for 20+ years and when the gentleman died, the family opted for direct cremation with no ceremony.  The man I was talking with said they never had the opportunity to express their loss and condolences to the family and wondered if there was a final resting place to visit.  The service is important.  If I have come to one conclusion over the past 22 years, it is that everyone should have a funeral ceremony.  Whether it is a large public ceremony or something more intimate really is irrelevant.  The important thing is that there is the opportunity for people to gather and remember/reflect on their friend.  And ideally the service should be a personal reflection of that individual.”

“Preplanning is also a practical gesture because it allows you to make unhurried, informed decisions,” adds Mike Williams from Wyuka.  “Preplanning compels you to organize important documents survivors will need later.  With advance planning, you can choose a reasonable budget, and even set aside the funds over a period of time to ease the financial burden on your family.”

“There are several important things to consider when preplanning,” he continues.  “You will want to consider any religious practices that are expected by your faith.  You should consider your family members and their desire to participate in the service by not over planning ahead of time.  Instead, make general suggestions that can be adapted or adjusted to make the funeral more meaningful to the participants.  Refrain from impractical requests.  Your funeral director can discuss the many pre-planned and preneed plans available and help you select or design one suited to your loved one’s personal needs.

Pre-planning the service guarantees that the family can get together with their loved one and help them prepare a service that will properly reflect their life and give those left behind the chance to celebrate their life in a way that provides comfort and joy.

Long-Term Care Insurance

When you start looking into options for your loved one, you’ll probably find that the cost is more than you expected.  Not only does this want to make you look into financial options for your loved one, but it also might make you think about your own future needs as well.

“Most people think Medicare or their health insurance will pay for long-term care they may need in the future, but it will not,” explains Bryan Oswald of Oswald Insurance.  “Health insurance is mainly for doctor and hospital bills.  If you become disabled, develop a chronic illness or cannot care for yourself for an extended period of time, you will need long-term care.  Unfortunately, this is not cheap since nursing home care averages $69,000 to $78,000 per year!  Even home health care can cost $43,000 to $70,000 per year.”

“Because of the high cost of long-term care, should you need it, it can quickly drain your life savings,” continues Bryan Oswald.  “With that said, if you can afford long-term care insurance and qualify for it, you should probably consider it.  While financial considerations cannot be understated, long-term care insurance isn’t only about the money but more importantly, peace of mind.  With long-term insurance it ensures you access to the best care and also not being dependent on others or a burden to your children.  The odds of needing long-term care are greater than you might imagine.  There is about a 70% chance that you will need some type of long-term care after age 65.  Long term-care services are not just for the elderly either.  Statistics show that 40% of patients receiving care are under age 65.”

“Just like most insurance, the younger you are when you buy long-term care insurance, the lower the premiums will be.  Generally premiums will not increase with age unless the insurance company raises them for the entire group.  Since roughly 40 percent of those receiving care are under age 65, you should give some serious thought to buying coverage when you are still young and healthy.  Doing this will lock in a lower rate while giving you the coverage you may need sooner than you think.  The worst thing you can do is to do nothing at all.  If you can’t buy as much coverage as you would like, consider starting with something and enhancing it down the road when your financial situation improves.”

To help sum up the parents as caregivers experience, we’re pleased to present the personal story of one of our clients, Roxann Rogers Meyer of Immanuel Communities.

“I recently had my own personal experience with helping my mother through a health crisis.  My mother lives in a small community in central Nebraska and I got a message at my office that she had suffered a heart attack and was being transferred to Good Samaritan Hospital in Kearney.  Even though I am in the senior housing business, I was not prepared to take the personal journey. After successful open heart surgery, my family needed to make a decision regarding where my mother would go for her cardiac rehabilitation.  Since I live in Omaha and I also have a sister residing in Omaha, we felt it was best to have my mother come to Omaha for te rehab.  My brothers live in the same community as my mother, but they are both employed in agricultural related companies and we were concerned about their availability to be with my mother during her rehab.”

“So, my sister and I drove the three hours to Kearney and buckled up my mother in our car and drove to Omaha.  Mind you, we are travelling the interstate with an 82 year old woman who has just had heart bypass surgery.  The trip was a bit scary, but my mother was a trooper.  We arrived at the rehab facility and she was admitted for her two – three week stay.  Even though I have knowledge and experience in senior care, I was not ready for how sad I was to see my mother in a wheelchair in a small room with a roommate she did not know, with an aide who approached her wanting to know if she was hungry and did she want to go to the dining room.  The dining room was filled with mostly skilled nursing residents.  My mother looked around the room and asked me “Why did you bring me here?  I don’t know anyone who lives here and I don’t know how often you will come visit me and I’m in a place where they call supper dinner time.”  My sister and I found it interesting that everyone in Kearney referred to meal times as dinner and supper instead of the “big city” term of lunch and dinner and my Mother found comfort in that language.  My mother’s spirits were very low as she tried to blend into the Omaha rehab facility so we made the decision to once again buckle Mom up in the car and head to our small town hospital. I am happy to report that my Mother is in much better spirits as she recovers in a community that calls lunch – dinner and dinner- supper.  I have a new realization that my decision should have been based on my Mother’s personal preferences and not solely on the fact that Mom would be closer to my sister and me.”